There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize