My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
