So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Randomize
