i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
