Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
