I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
