Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
