I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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