She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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