i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Randomize
