I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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