I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
