your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
