turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
