69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
