You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
