No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Someone came in the potted fern
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
