I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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