And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
