I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
