My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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