i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
