you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize