all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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