The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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