I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Swine flu is the new snow day.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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