dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
