did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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