bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
