We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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