I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
