then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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