I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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