legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
