First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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