I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
