My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
