If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
