cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
