I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I wish there were birth control emojis
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
