my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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