I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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