turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
