I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
