When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
