I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
