A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just pee around me
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
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