one two three fourrrrnication!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
