I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
