I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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