Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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