oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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