she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
