its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
