you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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