The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
