peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
