dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
