Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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