I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
