Will you blow on my dice?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
