Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
