I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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