just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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