Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
